People tell me I need to face up to my feelings and talk about it more.
One problem – I no longer know how and what I feel.
I’m mentally unsound, actually. Something I’ve been hiding away for some time.
Okay, maybe not. But I’m always caught in this never-ending spiral of second-guessing myself. Maybe spiral is the wrong word; layering will be a better word. Layers upon layers like a Matryoshka doll. It’s like my mind doesn’t rest and stop thinking about possibilities and probalities and subsequent action-reaction. Even when I just wrote “I’m mentally unsound” another part of my mind is saying “yeah you’re just seeking attention”, and to that, another part says “stop being in denial” but only to be rebutted “and claiming that one is in denial is one step from being an emo bitch”. Of course it can go on.
Catch my drift?
And then there’s that megalomaniac and sociopathic parts of me. Apathy, conceit … you name it I probably have it. It’s like I’m pretty sure my stream of consciousness, if recorded, will be a bestseller novel or something.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this down anymore. It seems so inconsequential because all that’s going to happen is -
(1) Someone tries to be a wisecrack and make some attempt at a pseudo-witty remark to try to laugh this off
(2) Someone tries to psychoanalyse me and attribute causes and blames to why I am like this
(3) Someone tries to pretend they understand what’s going on with me and claim that they”ll be there whenever I need them.
Did I miss anyone?
I guess perhaps I’m airing this out in public so that you know not to ever treat me like a regular person. (There I go again, emphasizing my uniqueness and thereby contributing to my own distorted sense of self importance.) Cos if you do, well, I don’t really care if you do but from that point on you lose all credibility and value in my eyes.
Oh yes, have I not mentioned before how I don’t like people to try to laugh off serious moments? Well, there I said it.
